The Confidence Trick

Briefly:

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Hello,

‘Give me the wavering folk over the blithely confident any time.’

My most dreaded moment has come in the book publication cycle - I have to write my acknowledgements. This page of ‘thank yous’ at the back of a book causes me a disproportionate amount of torment every time. That is not because I don’t feel grateful - rather, it’s because I worry that I won’t express my gratitude in the right way, or nearly enough. 

What if I forget someone? What if I spell their name wrong? How do I make my thanks feel personal, rather than simply perfunctory? I spend hours agonising over the details of this solitary page, trying to make it sufficiently specific and entertaining. It’s tempting to say that no-one will read it anyway, but of course the people who do read it are the people who rightfully expect to find their name in there.

This is the place where my confidence evaporates. I am sure enough of my skills that I will embark on a project to write a book, feeling that perfect mix of daunted and determined. But then, right at the end, I stall in this place that speaks of my social skills and my ability to convey my sentiments in the right way.

It’s odd that this bothers me at all. I spent years being told that I wasn’t very confident - that I tended to underestimate my abilities and talk myself down. There have been years on top of that when I’ve heard that my entire gender fails to put itself forward in the way that men do, that we apply to jobs beneath our skillsets and fail to push for better pay and status. I only recently stopped believing in either of those things. 

I consider myself to be a pretty confident person, all told. I have faith in what I can do, and I give myself permission to pursue my passions. I tolerate disrespect from no-one, and I’m good at asserting my boundaries. But I’m also good at assessing the limits of what I can do, and I don’t see that as any kind of a weakness.

I could write you a list of the things I’m not good at. It’s part of my professionalism as a writer that I know, say, that I often use the wrong prepositions in my sentences. I routinely skip words, or double others. I have a truly annoying tendency to overuse one word in every single manuscript I turn in, and it’s a different one every time (incidentally, in my new book, the word is endless, which I used, er, endlessly). Because I know these things, I check for them, and I ask others for the help I need.

None of these things make me unconfident. I’m just realistic, and I also have enormous respect for the skills of the people who help me to polish my writing to its shiniest finish. It is no virtue to be certain that you’re right, regardless of feedback. I’m interested to hear what effect my words have when they land on other ears, and to make adjustments when that isn’t what I intended. As an editor and teacher, I’ve worked with many writers who can’t do this, and that’s not confidence; it’s fear. 

Confidence is just competence plus experience - it’s the easy assurance that we can do something because we’ve had a chance to practice. Most people could have this if they got the right support. But for me, before I understood I was autistic, my attempts to explain when I wasn’t coping just got me labelled as unconfident. I felt, then and now, that my experiences were overwritten by this language of confidence rather than competence, this sense that everyone should arrive in the world with an innate knowledge of how everything works.

Doubt is vital to the way we grow. Uncertainty is the medium in which empathy flourishes. Confidence, on the other hand, is too often an echo chamber, your way of doing things reflected back at you because you fit in. Give me the wavering folk over the blithely confident any time. Let’s stop telling women that they lack confidence, and demand a little more introspection from men. Let’s start listening to the experiences of minority groups, and asking how we can give them the tools to feel sure of themselves, their skills honoured, their ways of seeing prized.

I realise, nowadays, that my confidence only truly falls when I can’t do things my way. Like that acknowledgements page: by instinct, I would find a simple way to order it, perhaps an alphabetical list. And after each name, I would just write this: thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Recommendations

I loved returning to Krista Tippett’s On Being interview with Robin Wall Kimmerer this week, particularly on why a plant should never be addressed as ‘it’. Find it here

I’m thrilled to see that Elissa Altman has restarted her Poor Man’s Feast newsletter over here on Substack. This woman knows about food, and she knows about life, and when she writes about both together, magic happens. 

Patreon highlights

This month’s livestream takes place on 16th June at 3pm UK time. Patreon supporters will be submitting questions in advance - no theme this month, just a chance to ask me anything (within reason)!

Membership is £3.50/$5 a month. Supporters get extended episodes of The Wintering Sessions a day early (and a chance to submit questions for me to ask guests), monthly bonus episodes, special discounts and priority booking on my courses and events, and an exclusive audio feed of my Divergent Conversations series. I’d love for you to join us.

Warmest wishes,
Katherine

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