Briefly: Support me on Patreon | Another kind of winter | Ramblers Association event | Embracing winter in the Guardian | Krasnostein, Elissa Altman and Sharon Blackie at the Rookery Hello, On the cusp of the dark season, I wanted to write today about making friends with winter. But I’m currently walking through another kind of winter, so I thought I might share my knowledge of that instead.
I was weeping by the end. Never have I read anything that so well describes what I experience. I’ve been skimming along a major burnout for well over a year, each time I get to a place where the fog begins to clear, the demands of scrambling to catch up, supporting myself as a self-employed artist, divorced and living with chronic Illness threaten to suck me back in. I’m also late diagnosed and spent most of my life feeling defective for not understanding the experience.
Thank you for putting into writing what you are going through. I hope you are able to rest in the most deeply restorative way.
Thank you Katherine, once again. Your podcast interview with Annie Mac moved me to tears and motivated me to get diagnosed. It has been a life changing experience. Today your note finds me in bed after 3 days in hospital for a fibroids operation. The experience caused me two public meltdowns, alongside losing my ability to speak "she doesn't talk much this one" a nurse said... after me repeatedly saying "I'm autistic, I don't understand things the way others do, please can you explain to me what's going on." as they injected me repeatedly with morphine and other drugs. I had to discharge myself because I felt so unsafe and it's been one of the most disempowering experiences of my life. I feel othered and shamed. I know once I've processed I'll be ok and proud that I tried to stick up for myself but there's a sad realisation that if I find myself in other similar situations I'll need to take someone with me to advocate, a carer I guess. When you share your experiences so generously it really helps me to feel seen and understood. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing this--We talk a lot about permission: permission to give oneself rest, to allow oneself time. This is not a willpower issue; it’s a living issue. Your eloquence and clarity in describing this is so important and so appreciated. X
Writing from the middle of this is such a gift to the many of us who struggle to articulate these feelings. Thank you for sharing this moment with us. Wishing you a rich and uncomplicated rest. We see you ♥️
Thank you for this newsletter. (And sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.)
I’m in an autistic burn out for a long time now. I was diagnosed at 35 years old. After my diagnose, I crashed. I’m 39 now and I’m still recovering from all the years of unknown self abuse.
This week I felt a meltdown coming and now I rest. When I read your description of it, I felt a lot less lonely. I’m going to print it and let my mother and sisters read it. They try to understand, but I know it’s hard. Even I didn’t understand it for a very long time.
Your words help al lot. Thank you!
(And I hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself!)
This piece moved me to tears as I was reading over my morning tea. Thank you, Katherine, for being so real, so vulnerable within this community. Thank you for being so articulate describing this experience...I can physically feel so many things as I read this. Holding you in peace, in space. Take the time you need, share what you need or don’t. We will be here.
I would like to print this out and hand it to my husband who says diagnosis is “a social construct” and reckons that if I’ve got to 63 without it (even after losing more than one job, and taking 6 years to recover the last time it happened), there’s not much point in pursuing it now. I feel like you’re right inside my head.
Oct 29, 2022·edited Oct 29, 2022Liked by Katherine May
Katherine I have tears streaming down my face. I hear you and feel you with such clarity. The description you give has been happening to me on and off for years. I’m 54! I have been misdiagnosed with depression, ME/CFS, etc. My life is closing in and I am undiagnosed! I have an ADHD assessment next week but I have never seen my experience written down until I read this newsletter! I have so many questions! Do you slowly lift out of it and then it’s like a switch has been flipped and you know you’re back? Take care, sending hugs xx
It’s such a shame that none of us got to recognise this until much earlier - it makes like very hard. I have to cut out everything to recover, and then I usually wake up one morning feeling like myself again. It’s as if I need to unblock something, if that makes sense. I have an autism guide here on my website if that helps at all: https://katherine-may.co.uk/autism-resource-page
Thanks Katherine, I do hope you are starting to see some relief. I absolutely know what you mean about about waking up one morning feeling more yourself. My husband usually says "hello...you're back". I usually wake feeling like I'm back but very fragile and vulnerable. Like I have to be very gentle with myself. Can I just say your writing is beautiful, it is sensitive and touching and I feel uplifted by your words. I'm reading Wintering again and I have yet to get your newest book. Take great care xx
Your writing always scratches an itch inside my brain. It explains in a way I never seem to convey what it feels like when I run out of capacity. I too feel the sting of comments like 'I wish I had the time and privilege to rest' and wish I could convey to people how far from the privilege they view it as it really is.
I so often find reading your pieces that it strikes chords I did not even realise I had experienced! For me I have not called them Meltdowns but Mindstorms! It is as if my everything just becomes 'too much' and the issue does not have to be big. It feels like it will go on and on, though I have been meditating for years and this, mostly, helps me know 'this too will pass' and feel it in the body, unpleasant as it is. Thank you for being able to articulate in writing! I am 63 and after reading and listening to you and your podcast visitors I realise I may well be autistic. (My sister said I had traits years ago but because I had friends I thought she was way off!!!). Looking into an online way to do this as I live in Aotearoa/ New Zealand and I think they may be somewhat behind. Any suggestions??? Being part of the Rookery is just wonderful way to be supported when SO far away.
That sounds very familiar to me! I’m afraid I don’t know any online routes - though Lauren Ober mentions someone in Canada in the first episode of her podcast, The Loudest Girl
In the World. It’s so important to find a practitioner who is supportive though - and self-identification is a valid option! I don’t know if this is useful, but I have a guide to understanding autism on my website: https://katherine-may.co.uk/autism-resource-page
Thanks for this. I found these pages just after writing!! I have been listening to Lauren Ober and now been in contact with Natalie Engelbrecht from https://embrace-autism.com/... so will wait and see what happens. I am not in a rush but I do want to start!!
I have called it the black hole. I'm 54 and undiagnosed. Only recently through reading can I start to put the pieces of the jigsaw together. I have an ADHD assessment next week but now I don't know how my resonance with this fits with ADHD!!
There’s definitely a crossover between the two anyway, but a lot of people have both. I think it can be hard to unpick where ADHD ends and autism begins.
Yes I'm seeing this. Its a minefield but one I need to tread through. i'm not good at asking for help but I hope this assessment will be another step forward. x
I so understand what you have written ... I was only diagnosed at 63 and am old enough that when I was very young and lost there were no words for it - no help from what is now a thriving therapy business. I am so happy that young people have more words for their operating system hiccups even if they still have trouble accessing it ... aren't we in a steep learning curve?
thank you Katherine and I send you some more soft fortitude ...
When will society see that we are all interdependent? We all need support. The support we each need and the contribution we each make has value. The culture believes a myth that some are independent and some dependent, but we’re all dependent on each other. The culture tells us some contributions are more valuable. Why? Can society continue without truth tellers, sanitation workers, grain growers? Each of us needs what we need. Why not normalize that?
I’m grateful that the value in your work is seen by the world. You couldn’t do what you do, write how you write, without being exactly who you are. Vulnerability and all. We can’t have sunflowers without digging a hole in the dirt.
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Katherine. Judging by the comments it’s maybe even more impactful than you might have imagined? I really hope you get some time to rest however you want and need. And, I wonder if there’s a way this community could help support you in return for how much you support us? I know that I can feel obligated to fulfil plans/offerings when in fact, maybe I don’t need to. So I wouldn’t mind at all if some of the upcoming sessions were postponed. Rest up. Bx
That is SO kind of you. I’m in a process of trying to reform everything I do to make it easy and to take out the bits that make my brain glide to a halt! For example, having regular Rookery events in my diary, with actual people hanging out with me, is so much easier. But I will learn to wave the white flag - and to name it. Thank you 🤍
I totally agree and support this! This weeks’ newsletter has clearly had a deep impact for many, and I know I am hugely grateful for you sharing this experience Katherine. We are with you, rest well
Your humility, grace and ability to share this so eloquently on the page are a gift. Rest. Take care of you. Know that your many beloved readers and fans are your biggest cheerleaders and that you don't owe us anything. Your humanity is so visceral through your words and all we want is to keep you in this fragile world so that we may revel in your gifts. Be still. Thank you for you.
I was weeping by the end. Never have I read anything that so well describes what I experience. I’ve been skimming along a major burnout for well over a year, each time I get to a place where the fog begins to clear, the demands of scrambling to catch up, supporting myself as a self-employed artist, divorced and living with chronic Illness threaten to suck me back in. I’m also late diagnosed and spent most of my life feeling defective for not understanding the experience.
Thank you for putting into writing what you are going through. I hope you are able to rest in the most deeply restorative way.
Very sorry to hear this - it’s so hard to get enough of a break to really clear the fog 🤍
Thank you Katherine, once again. Your podcast interview with Annie Mac moved me to tears and motivated me to get diagnosed. It has been a life changing experience. Today your note finds me in bed after 3 days in hospital for a fibroids operation. The experience caused me two public meltdowns, alongside losing my ability to speak "she doesn't talk much this one" a nurse said... after me repeatedly saying "I'm autistic, I don't understand things the way others do, please can you explain to me what's going on." as they injected me repeatedly with morphine and other drugs. I had to discharge myself because I felt so unsafe and it's been one of the most disempowering experiences of my life. I feel othered and shamed. I know once I've processed I'll be ok and proud that I tried to stick up for myself but there's a sad realisation that if I find myself in other similar situations I'll need to take someone with me to advocate, a carer I guess. When you share your experiences so generously it really helps me to feel seen and understood. Thank you again.
Oh bless you, that sounds so hard. It’s a long healing process 🤍
Hello, can you tell me where I can find the podcast with Annie Mac? I have looked through the podcast and have been unable to locate it. Thank you.:)
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/katherine-may/id1465937091?i=1000575335037
Thank you for sharing this--We talk a lot about permission: permission to give oneself rest, to allow oneself time. This is not a willpower issue; it’s a living issue. Your eloquence and clarity in describing this is so important and so appreciated. X
Thank you 😊
Writing from the middle of this is such a gift to the many of us who struggle to articulate these feelings. Thank you for sharing this moment with us. Wishing you a rich and uncomplicated rest. We see you ♥️
It really helped to clear my head to be honest! Might try it again sometime :)
I’d be grateful!
Thank you for this newsletter. (And sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.)
I’m in an autistic burn out for a long time now. I was diagnosed at 35 years old. After my diagnose, I crashed. I’m 39 now and I’m still recovering from all the years of unknown self abuse.
This week I felt a meltdown coming and now I rest. When I read your description of it, I felt a lot less lonely. I’m going to print it and let my mother and sisters read it. They try to understand, but I know it’s hard. Even I didn’t understand it for a very long time.
Your words help al lot. Thank you!
(And I hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself!)
Thank you for this. Your English is perfect!
This piece moved me to tears as I was reading over my morning tea. Thank you, Katherine, for being so real, so vulnerable within this community. Thank you for being so articulate describing this experience...I can physically feel so many things as I read this. Holding you in peace, in space. Take the time you need, share what you need or don’t. We will be here.
Thank you 🤍
I would like to print this out and hand it to my husband who says diagnosis is “a social construct” and reckons that if I’ve got to 63 without it (even after losing more than one job, and taking 6 years to recover the last time it happened), there’s not much point in pursuing it now. I feel like you’re right inside my head.
Feel free :)
Ohhh, those open loops. I feel this. Thank you for articulating this.
Open loops are definitely a thing!
Katherine I have tears streaming down my face. I hear you and feel you with such clarity. The description you give has been happening to me on and off for years. I’m 54! I have been misdiagnosed with depression, ME/CFS, etc. My life is closing in and I am undiagnosed! I have an ADHD assessment next week but I have never seen my experience written down until I read this newsletter! I have so many questions! Do you slowly lift out of it and then it’s like a switch has been flipped and you know you’re back? Take care, sending hugs xx
It’s such a shame that none of us got to recognise this until much earlier - it makes like very hard. I have to cut out everything to recover, and then I usually wake up one morning feeling like myself again. It’s as if I need to unblock something, if that makes sense. I have an autism guide here on my website if that helps at all: https://katherine-may.co.uk/autism-resource-page
Thanks Katherine, I do hope you are starting to see some relief. I absolutely know what you mean about about waking up one morning feeling more yourself. My husband usually says "hello...you're back". I usually wake feeling like I'm back but very fragile and vulnerable. Like I have to be very gentle with myself. Can I just say your writing is beautiful, it is sensitive and touching and I feel uplifted by your words. I'm reading Wintering again and I have yet to get your newest book. Take great care xx
Your writing always scratches an itch inside my brain. It explains in a way I never seem to convey what it feels like when I run out of capacity. I too feel the sting of comments like 'I wish I had the time and privilege to rest' and wish I could convey to people how far from the privilege they view it as it really is.
Totally! 🤍
I so often find reading your pieces that it strikes chords I did not even realise I had experienced! For me I have not called them Meltdowns but Mindstorms! It is as if my everything just becomes 'too much' and the issue does not have to be big. It feels like it will go on and on, though I have been meditating for years and this, mostly, helps me know 'this too will pass' and feel it in the body, unpleasant as it is. Thank you for being able to articulate in writing! I am 63 and after reading and listening to you and your podcast visitors I realise I may well be autistic. (My sister said I had traits years ago but because I had friends I thought she was way off!!!). Looking into an online way to do this as I live in Aotearoa/ New Zealand and I think they may be somewhat behind. Any suggestions??? Being part of the Rookery is just wonderful way to be supported when SO far away.
That sounds very familiar to me! I’m afraid I don’t know any online routes - though Lauren Ober mentions someone in Canada in the first episode of her podcast, The Loudest Girl
In the World. It’s so important to find a practitioner who is supportive though - and self-identification is a valid option! I don’t know if this is useful, but I have a guide to understanding autism on my website: https://katherine-may.co.uk/autism-resource-page
Thanks for this. I found these pages just after writing!! I have been listening to Lauren Ober and now been in contact with Natalie Engelbrecht from https://embrace-autism.com/... so will wait and see what happens. I am not in a rush but I do want to start!!
I have called it the black hole. I'm 54 and undiagnosed. Only recently through reading can I start to put the pieces of the jigsaw together. I have an ADHD assessment next week but now I don't know how my resonance with this fits with ADHD!!
There’s definitely a crossover between the two anyway, but a lot of people have both. I think it can be hard to unpick where ADHD ends and autism begins.
Yes I'm seeing this. Its a minefield but one I need to tread through. i'm not good at asking for help but I hope this assessment will be another step forward. x
I so understand what you have written ... I was only diagnosed at 63 and am old enough that when I was very young and lost there were no words for it - no help from what is now a thriving therapy business. I am so happy that young people have more words for their operating system hiccups even if they still have trouble accessing it ... aren't we in a steep learning curve?
thank you Katherine and I send you some more soft fortitude ...
It’s such a long time to live without understanding how you need to function! I love your phrase ‘soft fortitude’ 🤍
When will society see that we are all interdependent? We all need support. The support we each need and the contribution we each make has value. The culture believes a myth that some are independent and some dependent, but we’re all dependent on each other. The culture tells us some contributions are more valuable. Why? Can society continue without truth tellers, sanitation workers, grain growers? Each of us needs what we need. Why not normalize that?
I’m grateful that the value in your work is seen by the world. You couldn’t do what you do, write how you write, without being exactly who you are. Vulnerability and all. We can’t have sunflowers without digging a hole in the dirt.
Absolutely this!! You’ve nailed it here 🤍
Your words inspire.
Katherine, I wrote this rant inspired by this story...
https://open.substack.com/pub/katelynch/p/its-time-for-you-to-unlearn-the-myth?r=4fkzt&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Katherine. Judging by the comments it’s maybe even more impactful than you might have imagined? I really hope you get some time to rest however you want and need. And, I wonder if there’s a way this community could help support you in return for how much you support us? I know that I can feel obligated to fulfil plans/offerings when in fact, maybe I don’t need to. So I wouldn’t mind at all if some of the upcoming sessions were postponed. Rest up. Bx
That is SO kind of you. I’m in a process of trying to reform everything I do to make it easy and to take out the bits that make my brain glide to a halt! For example, having regular Rookery events in my diary, with actual people hanging out with me, is so much easier. But I will learn to wave the white flag - and to name it. Thank you 🤍
I totally agree and support this! This weeks’ newsletter has clearly had a deep impact for many, and I know I am hugely grateful for you sharing this experience Katherine. We are with you, rest well
Thank you, lovely Faye 🤍
This is a piece of writing I will never forget. Thank you for all it took for you to write it. Rest well.
Thank you!
Your humility, grace and ability to share this so eloquently on the page are a gift. Rest. Take care of you. Know that your many beloved readers and fans are your biggest cheerleaders and that you don't owe us anything. Your humanity is so visceral through your words and all we want is to keep you in this fragile world so that we may revel in your gifts. Be still. Thank you for you.
That is very kind - thank you 🤍