Briefly: Support me on Patreon | Another kind of winter | Ramblers Association event | Embracing winter in the Guardian | Krasnostein, Elissa Altman and Sharon Blackie at the Rookery Hello, On the cusp of the dark season, I wanted to write today about making friends with winter. But I’m currently walking through another kind of winter, so I thought I might share my knowledge of that instead.
I was weeping by the end. Never have I read anything that so well describes what I experience. I’ve been skimming along a major burnout for well over a year, each time I get to a place where the fog begins to clear, the demands of scrambling to catch up, supporting myself as a self-employed artist, divorced and living with chronic Illness threaten to suck me back in. I’m also late diagnosed and spent most of my life feeling defective for not understanding the experience.
Thank you for putting into writing what you are going through. I hope you are able to rest in the most deeply restorative way.
Thank you Katherine, once again. Your podcast interview with Annie Mac moved me to tears and motivated me to get diagnosed. It has been a life changing experience. Today your note finds me in bed after 3 days in hospital for a fibroids operation. The experience caused me two public meltdowns, alongside losing my ability to speak "she doesn't talk much this one" a nurse said... after me repeatedly saying "I'm autistic, I don't understand things the way others do, please can you explain to me what's going on." as they injected me repeatedly with morphine and other drugs. I had to discharge myself because I felt so unsafe and it's been one of the most disempowering experiences of my life. I feel othered and shamed. I know once I've processed I'll be ok and proud that I tried to stick up for myself but there's a sad realisation that if I find myself in other similar situations I'll need to take someone with me to advocate, a carer I guess. When you share your experiences so generously it really helps me to feel seen and understood. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing this--We talk a lot about permission: permission to give oneself rest, to allow oneself time. This is not a willpower issue; it’s a living issue. Your eloquence and clarity in describing this is so important and so appreciated. X
Writing from the middle of this is such a gift to the many of us who struggle to articulate these feelings. Thank you for sharing this moment with us. Wishing you a rich and uncomplicated rest. We see you ♥️
Thank you for this newsletter. (And sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.)
I’m in an autistic burn out for a long time now. I was diagnosed at 35 years old. After my diagnose, I crashed. I’m 39 now and I’m still recovering from all the years of unknown self abuse.
This week I felt a meltdown coming and now I rest. When I read your description of it, I felt a lot less lonely. I’m going to print it and let my mother and sisters read it. They try to understand, but I know it’s hard. Even I didn’t understand it for a very long time.
Your words help al lot. Thank you!
(And I hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself!)
This piece moved me to tears as I was reading over my morning tea. Thank you, Katherine, for being so real, so vulnerable within this community. Thank you for being so articulate describing this experience...I can physically feel so many things as I read this. Holding you in peace, in space. Take the time you need, share what you need or don’t. We will be here.
I would like to print this out and hand it to my husband who says diagnosis is “a social construct” and reckons that if I’ve got to 63 without it (even after losing more than one job, and taking 6 years to recover the last time it happened), there’s not much point in pursuing it now. I feel like you’re right inside my head.
Oct 29, 2022·edited Oct 29, 2022Liked by Katherine May
Katherine I have tears streaming down my face. I hear you and feel you with such clarity. The description you give has been happening to me on and off for years. I’m 54! I have been misdiagnosed with depression, ME/CFS, etc. My life is closing in and I am undiagnosed! I have an ADHD assessment next week but I have never seen my experience written down until I read this newsletter! I have so many questions! Do you slowly lift out of it and then it’s like a switch has been flipped and you know you’re back? Take care, sending hugs xx
Your writing always scratches an itch inside my brain. It explains in a way I never seem to convey what it feels like when I run out of capacity. I too feel the sting of comments like 'I wish I had the time and privilege to rest' and wish I could convey to people how far from the privilege they view it as it really is.
I so often find reading your pieces that it strikes chords I did not even realise I had experienced! For me I have not called them Meltdowns but Mindstorms! It is as if my everything just becomes 'too much' and the issue does not have to be big. It feels like it will go on and on, though I have been meditating for years and this, mostly, helps me know 'this too will pass' and feel it in the body, unpleasant as it is. Thank you for being able to articulate in writing! I am 63 and after reading and listening to you and your podcast visitors I realise I may well be autistic. (My sister said I had traits years ago but because I had friends I thought she was way off!!!). Looking into an online way to do this as I live in Aotearoa/ New Zealand and I think they may be somewhat behind. Any suggestions??? Being part of the Rookery is just wonderful way to be supported when SO far away.
I so understand what you have written ... I was only diagnosed at 63 and am old enough that when I was very young and lost there were no words for it - no help from what is now a thriving therapy business. I am so happy that young people have more words for their operating system hiccups even if they still have trouble accessing it ... aren't we in a steep learning curve?
thank you Katherine and I send you some more soft fortitude ...
When will society see that we are all interdependent? We all need support. The support we each need and the contribution we each make has value. The culture believes a myth that some are independent and some dependent, but we’re all dependent on each other. The culture tells us some contributions are more valuable. Why? Can society continue without truth tellers, sanitation workers, grain growers? Each of us needs what we need. Why not normalize that?
I’m grateful that the value in your work is seen by the world. You couldn’t do what you do, write how you write, without being exactly who you are. Vulnerability and all. We can’t have sunflowers without digging a hole in the dirt.
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Katherine. Judging by the comments it’s maybe even more impactful than you might have imagined? I really hope you get some time to rest however you want and need. And, I wonder if there’s a way this community could help support you in return for how much you support us? I know that I can feel obligated to fulfil plans/offerings when in fact, maybe I don’t need to. So I wouldn’t mind at all if some of the upcoming sessions were postponed. Rest up. Bx
I was weeping by the end. Never have I read anything that so well describes what I experience. I’ve been skimming along a major burnout for well over a year, each time I get to a place where the fog begins to clear, the demands of scrambling to catch up, supporting myself as a self-employed artist, divorced and living with chronic Illness threaten to suck me back in. I’m also late diagnosed and spent most of my life feeling defective for not understanding the experience.
Thank you for putting into writing what you are going through. I hope you are able to rest in the most deeply restorative way.
Thank you Katherine, once again. Your podcast interview with Annie Mac moved me to tears and motivated me to get diagnosed. It has been a life changing experience. Today your note finds me in bed after 3 days in hospital for a fibroids operation. The experience caused me two public meltdowns, alongside losing my ability to speak "she doesn't talk much this one" a nurse said... after me repeatedly saying "I'm autistic, I don't understand things the way others do, please can you explain to me what's going on." as they injected me repeatedly with morphine and other drugs. I had to discharge myself because I felt so unsafe and it's been one of the most disempowering experiences of my life. I feel othered and shamed. I know once I've processed I'll be ok and proud that I tried to stick up for myself but there's a sad realisation that if I find myself in other similar situations I'll need to take someone with me to advocate, a carer I guess. When you share your experiences so generously it really helps me to feel seen and understood. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing this--We talk a lot about permission: permission to give oneself rest, to allow oneself time. This is not a willpower issue; it’s a living issue. Your eloquence and clarity in describing this is so important and so appreciated. X
Thank you so much for this. It makes me feel less alone, again. x
Writing from the middle of this is such a gift to the many of us who struggle to articulate these feelings. Thank you for sharing this moment with us. Wishing you a rich and uncomplicated rest. We see you ♥️
Thank you for this newsletter. (And sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.)
I’m in an autistic burn out for a long time now. I was diagnosed at 35 years old. After my diagnose, I crashed. I’m 39 now and I’m still recovering from all the years of unknown self abuse.
This week I felt a meltdown coming and now I rest. When I read your description of it, I felt a lot less lonely. I’m going to print it and let my mother and sisters read it. They try to understand, but I know it’s hard. Even I didn’t understand it for a very long time.
Your words help al lot. Thank you!
(And I hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself!)
This piece moved me to tears as I was reading over my morning tea. Thank you, Katherine, for being so real, so vulnerable within this community. Thank you for being so articulate describing this experience...I can physically feel so many things as I read this. Holding you in peace, in space. Take the time you need, share what you need or don’t. We will be here.
I would like to print this out and hand it to my husband who says diagnosis is “a social construct” and reckons that if I’ve got to 63 without it (even after losing more than one job, and taking 6 years to recover the last time it happened), there’s not much point in pursuing it now. I feel like you’re right inside my head.
Ohhh, those open loops. I feel this. Thank you for articulating this.
Katherine I have tears streaming down my face. I hear you and feel you with such clarity. The description you give has been happening to me on and off for years. I’m 54! I have been misdiagnosed with depression, ME/CFS, etc. My life is closing in and I am undiagnosed! I have an ADHD assessment next week but I have never seen my experience written down until I read this newsletter! I have so many questions! Do you slowly lift out of it and then it’s like a switch has been flipped and you know you’re back? Take care, sending hugs xx
Your writing always scratches an itch inside my brain. It explains in a way I never seem to convey what it feels like when I run out of capacity. I too feel the sting of comments like 'I wish I had the time and privilege to rest' and wish I could convey to people how far from the privilege they view it as it really is.
I so often find reading your pieces that it strikes chords I did not even realise I had experienced! For me I have not called them Meltdowns but Mindstorms! It is as if my everything just becomes 'too much' and the issue does not have to be big. It feels like it will go on and on, though I have been meditating for years and this, mostly, helps me know 'this too will pass' and feel it in the body, unpleasant as it is. Thank you for being able to articulate in writing! I am 63 and after reading and listening to you and your podcast visitors I realise I may well be autistic. (My sister said I had traits years ago but because I had friends I thought she was way off!!!). Looking into an online way to do this as I live in Aotearoa/ New Zealand and I think they may be somewhat behind. Any suggestions??? Being part of the Rookery is just wonderful way to be supported when SO far away.
I so understand what you have written ... I was only diagnosed at 63 and am old enough that when I was very young and lost there were no words for it - no help from what is now a thriving therapy business. I am so happy that young people have more words for their operating system hiccups even if they still have trouble accessing it ... aren't we in a steep learning curve?
thank you Katherine and I send you some more soft fortitude ...
When will society see that we are all interdependent? We all need support. The support we each need and the contribution we each make has value. The culture believes a myth that some are independent and some dependent, but we’re all dependent on each other. The culture tells us some contributions are more valuable. Why? Can society continue without truth tellers, sanitation workers, grain growers? Each of us needs what we need. Why not normalize that?
I’m grateful that the value in your work is seen by the world. You couldn’t do what you do, write how you write, without being exactly who you are. Vulnerability and all. We can’t have sunflowers without digging a hole in the dirt.
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Katherine. Judging by the comments it’s maybe even more impactful than you might have imagined? I really hope you get some time to rest however you want and need. And, I wonder if there’s a way this community could help support you in return for how much you support us? I know that I can feel obligated to fulfil plans/offerings when in fact, maybe I don’t need to. So I wouldn’t mind at all if some of the upcoming sessions were postponed. Rest up. Bx
This is a piece of writing I will never forget. Thank you for all it took for you to write it. Rest well.