Oh my god, every word of this essay rang so clear and true to me. I was that person (also an editor, as well as being a single parent), always coping, always managing - until a brain tumour stopped me in my tracks. It was removed but that was just the start of my problems. About 20 months later, I’m just dipping my toe in the world of work again, but I feel very different. I have memory problems, I get very tired, I’m extremely depressed. I’ve found knitting to be such a wonderful escape- from my perfectionism, my need for everyone else’s approval. I find I can forgive myself for my knitting mistakes when I can’t in any other area of my life. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and that scares me s*******. How will I ever be able to work enough to pay my mortgage? But at least I’ve knitted 3 little frogs. And some fingerless gloves. And some breasts (for women who have had mastectomies). And I’ve got a huge, Harry Styles-style patchwork cardigan on the go. Knitting allows me to push my fear to one side and just focus on what I’m doing at that moment.
Nikki, I was so thrilled to read about your frogs - they were discussed at the meeting I had with Katherine this morning. I am definitely team frog (although I don't seem to be able to knit as I'm not very good at counting so always end up in a pickle).
Here's to the things that allow us to push away our fear x
"It didn’t matter that normal people were sitting on the beach next to me, doing normal things, while I felt like a sculpture made out of coathangers and lard that was controlled by the rats that lived in my head. I just kept drawing my pebbles until they filled the page." I love the panache of the writing, the dry humour. And I just subscribed to Artnest.
I’m 55 and finally doing the Art Foundation I wish I’d taken 35 years ago! Gave up my full time career as a fundraiser. To be honest, I have become ambitious about my art too. It’s in a different way though. I’m ambitious to dig deeper, learn more and skill up, in order to make to the work I think is waiting to be made by me. It’s not any longer about being needed, recognition and financial freedom. I literally can’t imagine what I would do instead anymore!
Hi Kristen - what you've written about ambition is very relatable to me, too. (And Katherine has a brilliant post coming on Sunday about that particular A-word). I'm so pleased to hear about your journey, thank you for reading 🎨
Ah yes, the drive to excel. Working - tick. Carer - tick. Artist's Way, yoga, meditation - tick, tick, tic, burnout. Last night I sewed with a couple of friends for the first time in years ... and hemmed my yoga pants and laughed a lot. Baby steps.
You have reminded me about keeping the desire and simple joy. Great essay. Reverse path of artist now exploring writing on MA at CCCU Canterbury. Had an overwhelmed night after uni night so now breathing out. As bus pass owner forget that it’s amazing I am doing and learning so much ! Don’t know where it will lead and the art will always be central. If anyone wants to write 500 words or 20 lines of poetry theme Breaking the static on the voices that get missed - it’s for Anthology that will be printed as part of module . I am one of editors. Go for your dreams . Send by end of month ( 29th) to chapter.house.anthology@gmail.com guess got overwhelmed at nitty gritty and forgot the joy. Keep making . Best wishes for Enchantment Katherine . Ps I’m 68! Never too old
I went to visit UCA at Canterbury before I took the plunge to go back to school. I would have happily lived in a cupboard there if I'd thought I could get away with it. The anthology sounds great, and you're so right about how we have to remember that what any of us seeking to learn more is amazing.
I had spoken with a friend about slow pilgrimage at Christchurch Canterbury and just had a flash that I wanted to go there . Within 3 days I was offered a place! Fun filling in forms as the drop boxes didn’t go below 1980 and one of my qualifications was 1979 lol. Have written since a child and write with my art but all my essays were slagged off by a negative teacher at school. Very supported by staff
Great essay! It’s reassuring(?) to know so many people travel this same path of working, burning out and rediscovering things that bring them joy. Makes one feel less alone. Your comments about your identity being tied to your job really struck a nerve with me. At 44, I finally feel like I’m comfortable and confident enough to be more than my career. Part of it for a longtime, for me, was not having children and feeling as though I had to put that extra time and energy into my job. Even though I didn’t want children, I felt guilty not doing more than my colleagues with kids. However, I’ve moved beyond that and am now exploring all sorts of other things that interest me. I’m not ready to leave my job, and I hope to be lucky enough to not to be forced from my job, but I am starting to look forward to my next chapter, whatever that may be. I look forward to your newsletter Rebecca!
Oof so relate to all of this! I (re)discovered knitting when I was burnt out and depressed after finishing a PhD. It is never 100% right but I am learning to live with the errors.
Knitting is so hard - I am very impressed with anyone that can do it without getting so cross they hurl the wool across the room. Not that I'd know anything about doing something like that, of course... ;)
I too love the big girl rants and totally recognised this “I knew that I was incredibly fortunate to have this pocket of time to rest and play.” Been there when return to work post cancer treatment was made problematic by a terrible boss. I started writing, returned to knitting and crochet and spent a lot of time at the local indie cinema, making lemonade from lemons, and thoroughly reclaiming a life lost to work. Reader I returned to part time work, but in a place where I too could be more fully myself. Yay us!
Rebecca, thank you for putting into apt and descriptive words your arc of creatively meeting with life. I’m sharing this essay with dear friends whoa I miss deeply. But for all my longing for past earthly paradise (of progressive USA—imagine that now!), my choice allows this grandmother to play with a beautiful creative grandchild ❤️ Please keep meeting life with an indomitable spirit! (I, too, have had my turn on the hot seat of life, needed to “let the light in through the cracks.”
This is the first thing I read in the early morning and what a gift. I absolutely loved it and I immediately became a subscriber on Artnest. Thank you so much, Rebecca. Your writing is wondrous.
Sharing with my chosen sister in craft❤️ lovely to see your journey, relatable and i especially love the image of you harrying across London to get lost in fiber. Thank you
It’s nice that you’ve found/re-found your art - there has to be some place in life to play. I can achieve a state of flow with writing, but that’s taken a lot of very hard work; I typically write at night/weekends so it’s fine then if I lose track of time. Hoping to achieve a similar thing with some illustrations I’m doing because they’ll be done by hand, but we’ll see.
Hard relate! I’ve only just gotten back to art after so long in what seemed to be the right/worthy/acceptable things and chasing ‘the thing’ in so many other places and so many burnouts, and it’s so healing. I’ve no idea if I can get anywhere with it but I’m not giving it up again. I so loved your association of the water and soup - I’m no swimmer but swimming in soup sounds so much more relaxing and cosy.
This is so wonderful, Rebecca. Thank you. What you are doing—making a life, a real life, doing what you love—is brave and beautiful and a gift to us all. Watching you let yourself explore is powerful for me. How proud I am to know you, you brilliant woman. How thrilled for Artnest! Always cheering you on. x
I love this essay and I’m so excited for Artnest!
Oh my god, every word of this essay rang so clear and true to me. I was that person (also an editor, as well as being a single parent), always coping, always managing - until a brain tumour stopped me in my tracks. It was removed but that was just the start of my problems. About 20 months later, I’m just dipping my toe in the world of work again, but I feel very different. I have memory problems, I get very tired, I’m extremely depressed. I’ve found knitting to be such a wonderful escape- from my perfectionism, my need for everyone else’s approval. I find I can forgive myself for my knitting mistakes when I can’t in any other area of my life. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and that scares me s*******. How will I ever be able to work enough to pay my mortgage? But at least I’ve knitted 3 little frogs. And some fingerless gloves. And some breasts (for women who have had mastectomies). And I’ve got a huge, Harry Styles-style patchwork cardigan on the go. Knitting allows me to push my fear to one side and just focus on what I’m doing at that moment.
Nikki, I was so thrilled to read about your frogs - they were discussed at the meeting I had with Katherine this morning. I am definitely team frog (although I don't seem to be able to knit as I'm not very good at counting so always end up in a pickle).
Here's to the things that allow us to push away our fear x
"It didn’t matter that normal people were sitting on the beach next to me, doing normal things, while I felt like a sculpture made out of coathangers and lard that was controlled by the rats that lived in my head. I just kept drawing my pebbles until they filled the page." I love the panache of the writing, the dry humour. And I just subscribed to Artnest.
Thanks Rebecca.
Very relatable.
I’m 55 and finally doing the Art Foundation I wish I’d taken 35 years ago! Gave up my full time career as a fundraiser. To be honest, I have become ambitious about my art too. It’s in a different way though. I’m ambitious to dig deeper, learn more and skill up, in order to make to the work I think is waiting to be made by me. It’s not any longer about being needed, recognition and financial freedom. I literally can’t imagine what I would do instead anymore!
Hope your journey is a wonderful one.
Kristen
Hi Kristen - what you've written about ambition is very relatable to me, too. (And Katherine has a brilliant post coming on Sunday about that particular A-word). I'm so pleased to hear about your journey, thank you for reading 🎨
Ah yes, the drive to excel. Working - tick. Carer - tick. Artist's Way, yoga, meditation - tick, tick, tic, burnout. Last night I sewed with a couple of friends for the first time in years ... and hemmed my yoga pants and laughed a lot. Baby steps.
I love the sound of your sewing evening. My to-mend pile is more of a tower at the moment
You have reminded me about keeping the desire and simple joy. Great essay. Reverse path of artist now exploring writing on MA at CCCU Canterbury. Had an overwhelmed night after uni night so now breathing out. As bus pass owner forget that it’s amazing I am doing and learning so much ! Don’t know where it will lead and the art will always be central. If anyone wants to write 500 words or 20 lines of poetry theme Breaking the static on the voices that get missed - it’s for Anthology that will be printed as part of module . I am one of editors. Go for your dreams . Send by end of month ( 29th) to chapter.house.anthology@gmail.com guess got overwhelmed at nitty gritty and forgot the joy. Keep making . Best wishes for Enchantment Katherine . Ps I’m 68! Never too old
I went to visit UCA at Canterbury before I took the plunge to go back to school. I would have happily lived in a cupboard there if I'd thought I could get away with it. The anthology sounds great, and you're so right about how we have to remember that what any of us seeking to learn more is amazing.
I had spoken with a friend about slow pilgrimage at Christchurch Canterbury and just had a flash that I wanted to go there . Within 3 days I was offered a place! Fun filling in forms as the drop boxes didn’t go below 1980 and one of my qualifications was 1979 lol. Have written since a child and write with my art but all my essays were slagged off by a negative teacher at school. Very supported by staff
Great essay! It’s reassuring(?) to know so many people travel this same path of working, burning out and rediscovering things that bring them joy. Makes one feel less alone. Your comments about your identity being tied to your job really struck a nerve with me. At 44, I finally feel like I’m comfortable and confident enough to be more than my career. Part of it for a longtime, for me, was not having children and feeling as though I had to put that extra time and energy into my job. Even though I didn’t want children, I felt guilty not doing more than my colleagues with kids. However, I’ve moved beyond that and am now exploring all sorts of other things that interest me. I’m not ready to leave my job, and I hope to be lucky enough to not to be forced from my job, but I am starting to look forward to my next chapter, whatever that may be. I look forward to your newsletter Rebecca!
As the mother of a tortoise, I hear you. And I'm excited about your new chapter 🎨
Oof so relate to all of this! I (re)discovered knitting when I was burnt out and depressed after finishing a PhD. It is never 100% right but I am learning to live with the errors.
Knitting is so hard - I am very impressed with anyone that can do it without getting so cross they hurl the wool across the room. Not that I'd know anything about doing something like that, of course... ;)
I too love the big girl rants and totally recognised this “I knew that I was incredibly fortunate to have this pocket of time to rest and play.” Been there when return to work post cancer treatment was made problematic by a terrible boss. I started writing, returned to knitting and crochet and spent a lot of time at the local indie cinema, making lemonade from lemons, and thoroughly reclaiming a life lost to work. Reader I returned to part time work, but in a place where I too could be more fully myself. Yay us!
Rebecca, thank you for putting into apt and descriptive words your arc of creatively meeting with life. I’m sharing this essay with dear friends whoa I miss deeply. But for all my longing for past earthly paradise (of progressive USA—imagine that now!), my choice allows this grandmother to play with a beautiful creative grandchild ❤️ Please keep meeting life with an indomitable spirit! (I, too, have had my turn on the hot seat of life, needed to “let the light in through the cracks.”
Absolutely loved your essay Rebecca. The Big Girl’s Rants are wonderful. Thank you 😊
This is the first thing I read in the early morning and what a gift. I absolutely loved it and I immediately became a subscriber on Artnest. Thank you so much, Rebecca. Your writing is wondrous.
Thank you so much Frances, that's so kind x
Sharing with my chosen sister in craft❤️ lovely to see your journey, relatable and i especially love the image of you harrying across London to get lost in fiber. Thank you
It’s nice that you’ve found/re-found your art - there has to be some place in life to play. I can achieve a state of flow with writing, but that’s taken a lot of very hard work; I typically write at night/weekends so it’s fine then if I lose track of time. Hoping to achieve a similar thing with some illustrations I’m doing because they’ll be done by hand, but we’ll see.
Hard relate! I’ve only just gotten back to art after so long in what seemed to be the right/worthy/acceptable things and chasing ‘the thing’ in so many other places and so many burnouts, and it’s so healing. I’ve no idea if I can get anywhere with it but I’m not giving it up again. I so loved your association of the water and soup - I’m no swimmer but swimming in soup sounds so much more relaxing and cosy.
This is so wonderful, Rebecca. Thank you. What you are doing—making a life, a real life, doing what you love—is brave and beautiful and a gift to us all. Watching you let yourself explore is powerful for me. How proud I am to know you, you brilliant woman. How thrilled for Artnest! Always cheering you on. x