Hello,
I often wonder how much I’m defined by the fact that my parents divorced. It always seemed utterly formative to me, a frame though which I viewed my entire life. As I grew up, I wondered what it should teach me about my own future relationships. Should I guard against a broken heart and keep everything casual? Or should I try to correct the record somehow, to create some kind of effortful super-marriage, completely bulletproof? Should I learn to tolerate misdemeanours in order to keep the peace?
I am older now, and less convinced of my own ability to control the uncontrollable; I can categorically say that the answer was ‘none of the above.’ The truth is, you go in there and do your best, and hope that your partner shows the same good faith. You hand over your entire heart - because anything else would be a thin way of living - and you entangle yourself so completely with another person that you risk losing everything. If it fails, and it might, you will be dismantled like a kicked jigsaw. That is the bargain we make for romantic love. It still seems entirely worthwhile.
I am in awe of Maggie Smith’s memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, for what she is willing to show us. Yes, the writing is keen and gorgeous, and yes, she tells us a hundred truths in every chapter, but most of all she allows us to witness a self crumbling, scattering and renewing. She takes us to a place that many of us fear to even imagine, and allows us to watch the rearrangement that happens in slow time. We live through the recursive raging fury of it all, the hurt, the fear, and we are allowed to feel the shift that comes - eventually - when this new identity settles into itself and starts gazing around, awed by the world again.
I couldn’t wait to talk to Maggie about this generous, bewildered, beautiful book, and I’m pretty sure you’ll love what she has to say here, whether or not divorce has formed you too. The full audio is at the top of this page (and here’s a guide for listening in your favourite podcast app if you prefer), a transcript below, and paid subscribers can watch the video below the paywall.
Our next Book Club guest is Catherine Coldstream, talking about Cloistered, her memoir of joining, and leaving, a Carmelite order. Members can join us live - and put questions to Catherine - on 30th April at 6pm UK/1pm ET/11am PT. It’s a wonderful book, particularly for those of us who quite like the idea of the convent life. Do join us!
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