Second: big parties. I hear you. I don't love big parties where I don't know anyone, and Susan can usually be found by my side, digging her nails into my hand. That said, we, like H, love to dance and no one has ever run away in screaming shock after seeing us.
I have no hard and fast rule, beyond: invite people you truly love (or at least like), and who might love each other if they don't already. Play great music. Have some old photos available if you're comfortable with that. I remember going to a big party a few years back and the host had invited at least three people they weren't speaking to outside the confines of event, which felt bizarre and obligatory to me. Invite people you love to spend time with. Did I say that? There, I've said it again. Also, I think that parties offering short-break areas -- parties that have an outdoor space where people can get some air, or where there might be a garden; parties near the water -- are a good idea. I say NYET to games, which generally make me want to hide under the table, and I think most people agree.
Huge contgratulations and absolutely agree with Elissa. Any party where games are mentioned makes me run or get narky. Invite people you love to spend time with and not too many of them, music you love, and really easy food. My last party was our wedding 8 years ago and as it was in Wales there was no chance of an outdoor area for breaks (the weather was so wet that our host and her husband who lent their house for the occasion had to reclothe several guests who got drowned just walking 10 yards up the driveway) but they did have some quiet spaces for people to go and breathe. We had a book for people to leave wishes in and no compulsory speeches, but left a tiny space for anyone who wanted to say some blessing. Maybe having a finish time too.
Omg break areas is such a fabulous solution. I love going to find a quiet spot in a big party, but usually the only spot is sitting on the loo and wondering how long I can get away with being there!
I am so looking forward to hearing people's ideas. I spent many years preparing for my 50th birthday, and starting in my early 40's I began envisioning it. It would be a gathering of women, around a campfire, and there would be appreciations and heartfelt connection. It would leave me feeling connected and seen -- no one would be invited who would leave me feeling worse about myself after they spoke. This became a touchstone throuhg my 40s -- is this someone who I will invite to my 50th birthday? or not? I threw the party, and everyone who came (about 9 women) laughed, cried, told stories, and when the night was ending they told me it would be a public service if I would hold the party every year. I've done so, and it's been remarkable. We pose 1 question each year, and everyone gets a turn to talk about their lives to the extent they want. It grounds me with my people, and welcomes new ones in.
I am not a party person per se. I love seeing people enjoy a party, but I prefer to sit in the corner and observe. My late husband and I would have celebrated our 25th anniversary this year and our plan was to take a trip to somewhere quiet with a beach, as introverts do. Instead, I am planning one for myself.
Normally? I put on my "nice to see you face" and stay busy making sure things are being done the way I want. Is there enough food? Are the drinks flowing? While I realize that it's a party for me, staying busy in between speaking with people helps me disconnect. And if that does not help, a trip to a private loo where I can do some deep breathing exercises.
Thank you. I don’t recommend young widowhood to anyone. Instead of the traditional silver, I am going to break up with my Apple Watch and buy myself a new timepiece that does not make my eyes water at the cost and keep moving forward.
As an aside, Wintering was my bible all during his treatment, loss and period of grief and I am forever grateful. It has been a solace in ways I cannot describe.
I love your post Katherine! I think I’d be feeling the same as you! When my partner and I had our civil partnership in 2007 it was a coming together! Me, a total non dancing, non socialising introvert, her, a ‘groove is in the heart’ boogie all night extrovert! Both a lover of good food and fine wine we settled on a small, 24 person celebration with more spent on the food and wine but with a place where she, her best friends and anyone else who cared to could shimmy the night away! It was truly wonderful 🥰🙏
My wife and I threw a party for our grandchild recently. We are a blended family and my stepson and his wife (parents of said grandchild) had not met many of my family of origin. We used the occasion of their baby's six-month birthday to welcome her to both our families. We are both introverts, and my wife is socially quite anxious. I find most parties boring. So, we brought board games, face paints for the kids, crossword puzzles on each table (there was lunch) to be done as a group or individually , as people wanted, colouring books with coloured pencils and markers for both adults and children, an Easter bunny (we had chocolate bunnies, not eggs) hunt for the kids, and lots of food. We brought books for the children, too and they seemed to have gone down well. We had a quiet room for those of us who get overwhelmed by all the noise/smells/people. We also drew people's attention to the fact that there were both solitary and social activities and that nobody had to engage in any activities if they didn't want to. We did this both before the event and at the start of it. We also had a start and finish time and sent those in the invitation. My adult niece, who is autistic and quite socially anxious, said that having the activities, including the face paints, gave her something to do and to talk about. It seems to have worked for the introverts, I'm not sure how the extroverts fared ;).
My ideal anniversary celebration would be a trip with my husband, preferably the Pacific Northwest, where we can sit and walk by the ocean and not have to chat with anyone else. I'm no help, I'm afraid!
First, congratulations! That's an amazing milestone that definitely deserves celebration. Even so, I'm having second-hand anxiety for you. The thought of planning any kind of party makes me want to curl up like a hedgehog and roll away to hide under a bush. That said, your question made me ask myself, "Self, what is it exactly about a party that makes you so stressed out?" The best answer I could give myself is that I worry about creating or experiencing awkwardness - not just for me, but for anyone in attendance. I don't know a surefire cure for potential awkwardness, but I'm guessing it'd be helpful to avoid any kind of formality/party games (I detest party games), AND ALSO to make sure there are things around to help give people something to talk about. For example, photos that people can look at, like paintings in a gallery, and talk to each other about what's in them and what memories they bring up. Music is also key ... as if having the right band leader/DJ/MC. That can take a lot of the pressure off right there. I don't know. Did I mention I suck at throwing parties. I am sure your special day will be lovely! And I hope you all get to enjoy plenty of dancing!
We have 5 grown kids, and to gather with them and their significant others and the grandkids is a large enough party for us. So I'm not going to be any help, though I see you have some great suggestions from others.
Every year we celebrate our anniversary by going to our favorite mountain lake for 2 weeks. We have at least half the time alone and the kids and grandkids come up for a few days at a time. It's the highlight of our year!
What an interesting thread! And congratulations! 🥂🥂
I really struggle with parties also.. I have a big birthday coming up next year and - because we all love music - have told friends and family that we will be at a festival to celebrate (Latitude or End of The Road, TBC!) and they can join us if they wish. This way we can spend pockets of joyful time enjoying bands/comedy/activities etc together but also split up and have time alone/follow our own interests. Oh, and my husband and I are hiring a van to camp in so that I have quiet to escape to and recharge ☺️
I'm happy to be in the company of Team Introvert. I even avoid using the word party, preferring celebration and by all means, keep things small and intimate, preferably at a cozy restaurant not on a weekend night. It's the only way I can enjoy myself and not feel responsible for other people's experience.
This has landed at the perfect time - my introvert husband has his 40th approaching and I’m navigating how to celebrate and mark it without causing him social exhaustion / giving him something he feels he has to ‘get’ through. It’s also our daughter’s first birthday around the same time and we are parenting after loss. I want to mark these important milestones - a first birthday that has been snatched from us before especially - but grief has also left us more introverted than ever before. I think what you have planned sounds perfect and photos would work well. At our wedding we had an old globe and sharpies and had our guests recommend places to travel / adventure to - perhaps something like that could work? It could even be local - fave coffee / restaurant / pub etc for your adventure list for the years ahead. I hope you have a really lovely one - congrats! Xx
I've only had small parties since our wedding (and if I'd known myself better then, that would've been much smaller, too). I am much more careful about who I invite now - only the people we really love and want to have there - no obligation invitations. I've thrown out any party tradition that doesn't actually resonate with us. I still get a bit overwhelmed sometimes, but I enjoy myself more, and *my* being less stressed helps my family enjoy themselves more.
Happy Anniversary! My husband and I spent our 25th on a long weekend in Cape Cod… It was Fall of 2020 so we were limited with travel but I’d still opt for travel over a party. And I totally relate to the comments here about escaping to the bathroom or kitchen to get a little break from people. Parties are nice but as I get older, I’m happy at the end of the night when they finally wind down.
Congrats on celebrating 25 years! My husband and I just marked our 19th yesterday. As for parties my least favourite is the dinner party in which I must sit for hours and somehow come up with interesting ways to converse with the strangers I’ve sat beside. I prefer a mix of seated and standing areas to encourage mingling. Have different stations - food, drinks, photos, suggestion box (I love Sarah Doolin’s idea for guests to recommend local favourites!), and definitely a dance floor. Good luck and I hope it’s a fun time!
WELL.
First: happy anniversary! A quarter century!
Second: big parties. I hear you. I don't love big parties where I don't know anyone, and Susan can usually be found by my side, digging her nails into my hand. That said, we, like H, love to dance and no one has ever run away in screaming shock after seeing us.
I have no hard and fast rule, beyond: invite people you truly love (or at least like), and who might love each other if they don't already. Play great music. Have some old photos available if you're comfortable with that. I remember going to a big party a few years back and the host had invited at least three people they weren't speaking to outside the confines of event, which felt bizarre and obligatory to me. Invite people you love to spend time with. Did I say that? There, I've said it again. Also, I think that parties offering short-break areas -- parties that have an outdoor space where people can get some air, or where there might be a garden; parties near the water -- are a good idea. I say NYET to games, which generally make me want to hide under the table, and I think most people agree.
YES to break areas! And I love your photos suggestion :)
Huge contgratulations and absolutely agree with Elissa. Any party where games are mentioned makes me run or get narky. Invite people you love to spend time with and not too many of them, music you love, and really easy food. My last party was our wedding 8 years ago and as it was in Wales there was no chance of an outdoor area for breaks (the weather was so wet that our host and her husband who lent their house for the occasion had to reclothe several guests who got drowned just walking 10 yards up the driveway) but they did have some quiet spaces for people to go and breathe. We had a book for people to leave wishes in and no compulsory speeches, but left a tiny space for anyone who wanted to say some blessing. Maybe having a finish time too.
Omg break areas is such a fabulous solution. I love going to find a quiet spot in a big party, but usually the only spot is sitting on the loo and wondering how long I can get away with being there!
ALL of this!
Oh Katherine,
I am so looking forward to hearing people's ideas. I spent many years preparing for my 50th birthday, and starting in my early 40's I began envisioning it. It would be a gathering of women, around a campfire, and there would be appreciations and heartfelt connection. It would leave me feeling connected and seen -- no one would be invited who would leave me feeling worse about myself after they spoke. This became a touchstone throuhg my 40s -- is this someone who I will invite to my 50th birthday? or not? I threw the party, and everyone who came (about 9 women) laughed, cried, told stories, and when the night was ending they told me it would be a public service if I would hold the party every year. I've done so, and it's been remarkable. We pose 1 question each year, and everyone gets a turn to talk about their lives to the extent they want. It grounds me with my people, and welcomes new ones in.
This is gorgeous! A public service!!
I am not a party person per se. I love seeing people enjoy a party, but I prefer to sit in the corner and observe. My late husband and I would have celebrated our 25th anniversary this year and our plan was to take a trip to somewhere quiet with a beach, as introverts do. Instead, I am planning one for myself.
Normally? I put on my "nice to see you face" and stay busy making sure things are being done the way I want. Is there enough food? Are the drinks flowing? While I realize that it's a party for me, staying busy in between speaking with people helps me disconnect. And if that does not help, a trip to a private loo where I can do some deep breathing exercises.
My favourite party activity is to hide in the kitchen! I’m glad you’re still marking your 25th anniversary somehow 🤍
Thank you. I don’t recommend young widowhood to anyone. Instead of the traditional silver, I am going to break up with my Apple Watch and buy myself a new timepiece that does not make my eyes water at the cost and keep moving forward.
As an aside, Wintering was my bible all during his treatment, loss and period of grief and I am forever grateful. It has been a solace in ways I cannot describe.
Well I’m very glad to have helped a tiny bit 🤍
I love your post Katherine! I think I’d be feeling the same as you! When my partner and I had our civil partnership in 2007 it was a coming together! Me, a total non dancing, non socialising introvert, her, a ‘groove is in the heart’ boogie all night extrovert! Both a lover of good food and fine wine we settled on a small, 24 person celebration with more spent on the food and wine but with a place where she, her best friends and anyone else who cared to could shimmy the night away! It was truly wonderful 🥰🙏
It sounds perfect!
My wife and I threw a party for our grandchild recently. We are a blended family and my stepson and his wife (parents of said grandchild) had not met many of my family of origin. We used the occasion of their baby's six-month birthday to welcome her to both our families. We are both introverts, and my wife is socially quite anxious. I find most parties boring. So, we brought board games, face paints for the kids, crossword puzzles on each table (there was lunch) to be done as a group or individually , as people wanted, colouring books with coloured pencils and markers for both adults and children, an Easter bunny (we had chocolate bunnies, not eggs) hunt for the kids, and lots of food. We brought books for the children, too and they seemed to have gone down well. We had a quiet room for those of us who get overwhelmed by all the noise/smells/people. We also drew people's attention to the fact that there were both solitary and social activities and that nobody had to engage in any activities if they didn't want to. We did this both before the event and at the start of it. We also had a start and finish time and sent those in the invitation. My adult niece, who is autistic and quite socially anxious, said that having the activities, including the face paints, gave her something to do and to talk about. It seems to have worked for the introverts, I'm not sure how the extroverts fared ;).
I bet the extroverts were absolutely fine! I think quiet rooms should be standard at all parties - and having a clear ‘something’ to do.
This all sounds gorgeous 🧡
My ideal anniversary celebration would be a trip with my husband, preferably the Pacific Northwest, where we can sit and walk by the ocean and not have to chat with anyone else. I'm no help, I'm afraid!
It sounds idyllic :)
First, congratulations! That's an amazing milestone that definitely deserves celebration. Even so, I'm having second-hand anxiety for you. The thought of planning any kind of party makes me want to curl up like a hedgehog and roll away to hide under a bush. That said, your question made me ask myself, "Self, what is it exactly about a party that makes you so stressed out?" The best answer I could give myself is that I worry about creating or experiencing awkwardness - not just for me, but for anyone in attendance. I don't know a surefire cure for potential awkwardness, but I'm guessing it'd be helpful to avoid any kind of formality/party games (I detest party games), AND ALSO to make sure there are things around to help give people something to talk about. For example, photos that people can look at, like paintings in a gallery, and talk to each other about what's in them and what memories they bring up. Music is also key ... as if having the right band leader/DJ/MC. That can take a lot of the pressure off right there. I don't know. Did I mention I suck at throwing parties. I am sure your special day will be lovely! And I hope you all get to enjoy plenty of dancing!
I hate games too. But I think your idea of creating a focal point is very wise indeed!
We have 5 grown kids, and to gather with them and their significant others and the grandkids is a large enough party for us. So I'm not going to be any help, though I see you have some great suggestions from others.
Every year we celebrate our anniversary by going to our favorite mountain lake for 2 weeks. We have at least half the time alone and the kids and grandkids come up for a few days at a time. It's the highlight of our year!
Lovely!
Could we call them “quiets” and let that interpretation land where it likes?
Silent retreats instead of parties? I’m in!
What an interesting thread! And congratulations! 🥂🥂
I really struggle with parties also.. I have a big birthday coming up next year and - because we all love music - have told friends and family that we will be at a festival to celebrate (Latitude or End of The Road, TBC!) and they can join us if they wish. This way we can spend pockets of joyful time enjoying bands/comedy/activities etc together but also split up and have time alone/follow our own interests. Oh, and my husband and I are hiring a van to camp in so that I have quiet to escape to and recharge ☺️
That’s a great idea - basically someone else is throwing the party and you can just turn up ;)
We stopped parties a while ago. A nice meal out with does us well.
I'm happy to be in the company of Team Introvert. I even avoid using the word party, preferring celebration and by all means, keep things small and intimate, preferably at a cozy restaurant not on a weekend night. It's the only way I can enjoy myself and not feel responsible for other people's experience.
That is such a good way of putting it!
This has landed at the perfect time - my introvert husband has his 40th approaching and I’m navigating how to celebrate and mark it without causing him social exhaustion / giving him something he feels he has to ‘get’ through. It’s also our daughter’s first birthday around the same time and we are parenting after loss. I want to mark these important milestones - a first birthday that has been snatched from us before especially - but grief has also left us more introverted than ever before. I think what you have planned sounds perfect and photos would work well. At our wedding we had an old globe and sharpies and had our guests recommend places to travel / adventure to - perhaps something like that could work? It could even be local - fave coffee / restaurant / pub etc for your adventure list for the years ahead. I hope you have a really lovely one - congrats! Xx
Oh I love that idea - thank you!
Yes, a map or maps (easier to spread out to different tables/wall spaces) would work for this idea as well! What a fun one.
I've only had small parties since our wedding (and if I'd known myself better then, that would've been much smaller, too). I am much more careful about who I invite now - only the people we really love and want to have there - no obligation invitations. I've thrown out any party tradition that doesn't actually resonate with us. I still get a bit overwhelmed sometimes, but I enjoy myself more, and *my* being less stressed helps my family enjoy themselves more.
Yes!! No obligations - it’s so important to feel at home in your own celebration.
Happy Anniversary! My husband and I spent our 25th on a long weekend in Cape Cod… It was Fall of 2020 so we were limited with travel but I’d still opt for travel over a party. And I totally relate to the comments here about escaping to the bathroom or kitchen to get a little break from people. Parties are nice but as I get older, I’m happy at the end of the night when they finally wind down.
I might install myself a small tent in the garden and just zip myself into it whenever it gets too much :)
Congrats on celebrating 25 years! My husband and I just marked our 19th yesterday. As for parties my least favourite is the dinner party in which I must sit for hours and somehow come up with interesting ways to converse with the strangers I’ve sat beside. I prefer a mix of seated and standing areas to encourage mingling. Have different stations - food, drinks, photos, suggestion box (I love Sarah Doolin’s idea for guests to recommend local favourites!), and definitely a dance floor. Good luck and I hope it’s a fun time!
Thank you - it’s all about creating zones, I think.